Professor Umbridge's Punishment
by malfoyforever
Summary: Umbridge decides to punish her fifth years by making them read Twilight. Join Harry, Ron, and others, such as teachers and Death Eaters, as they get through the book. AU, obviously. Warning: Do not read if you are against Twilight bashing. HIATUS.
1. Prologue

**Warning**: _This contains Twilight-bashing. If you are against this in any way, please don't read. Thank you. _

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><p><strong>Prologue <strong>

Professor Dolores Umbridge, who taught Defence Against the Dark Arts and was also High Inquisitor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, stood standing near her desk, arms crossed in leering satisfaction. She was a most toad-like woman with bulging eyes, a large and most unattractive mouth, and a broad face. A black velvet bow was perched in her mousy hair and she wore a fuzzy pink cardigan over a hideous outfit of green tweed.

She watched as the Gryffindors – no, Gryffin_dorks_, as she remembered fondly from her schooldays – filed in silently, some glancing at her reproachfully, others glaring even. She smiled sweetly at them once they were all seated.

"For your, ah, less than exemplary behaviour in the past few classes," Umbridge said, twirling her wand in her stubby fingers. "I will require you to all read _this_." She snapped her fingers. A black hardcover landed on her desk with a thud, the students' eyes following the movement.

Its cover was adorned with pale arms, in which a red, luscious-looking apple rested in the palms.

"What's _that_?" Weasley asked, the dimwitted redhead.

Umbridge smiled again. "But I had already told you, Mr Weasley. I regret to tell you that you and your fellow fifth years have fallen out of step for some reason I cannot fathom, and so I will punish you by making you read this book."

"The title of this book," she continued, "is 'Twilight'. It was written by the author Stephenie Meyer. It is a Muggle young adult romance novel involving vampires and such."

Potter, sitting beside the Mudblood, Granger, raised an eyebrow at that. The idiotic Brown girl was squealing along with one of the Patil twins – Parva or something, Umbridge knew that she was rubbish with these foreign names – that they absolutely adored romance novels. The Longbottom fool looked confused, while Finnigan and Thomas were glaring at her. Weasley was gaping and Granger was frowning, her obnoxious mouth a thin line.

"Your additional homework is to read the preface and the first chapter for next class."

Finnigan whistled in a derogatory manner at that. "Woman, you want to make us blokes... read a vampire love story?"

A few of his peers nodded along at that.

"There is no problem there, Mr Finnigan, at boys reading romance..." Umbridge said pleasantly. "Except, of course, your sexisms... Anyhow, come see me after class to schedule the date of your detention, and ten points from Gryffindor for your abysmal disrespect."

"Now, wands away, and open your textbooks to chapter..."

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><p><strong>I'll be doing one commentary per chapter, with (I hope) different characters commenting in each. There will be others than the fifth years, such as Order members, Death Eaters, Professors, and even Voldemort himself. <strong>

**Anyways, please read and review! **


	2. Harry and Ron: Preface

**Harry and Ron: Preface **

"Let's read a chapter tonight," Harry suggested, as they watched the fire crackle, lounging on some squashy armchairs.

Ron looked affronted. "Hermione's at the library!" he moaned. "We'll _never_ get through this load of rubbish!"

Harry rolled his eyes. "We'll read the preface, then." He peered at his Multiplied copy of _Twilight_. "It's only a page long, mate."

The redhead groaned. "_Only_," he muttered, but he nodded.

Harry cleared his throat and began reading aloud.

**I'd never given much thought to how I would die – though I'd had reason enough in the last few months – but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this. **

"Why would the person have imagined how to die?" Ron frowned. "Were they chronically depressed or something?"

"Maybe... Maybe they were... prosecuted, like me?" Harry suggested with a grim smile.

"_Don't_ tell me there's a You-Know-Who in this story. Or another Harry Potter. No offense, mate."

"I think I'm supposed to say none taken... but I can't exactly say that."

"Sorry." Ron waved a hand dismissively. "Please continue. I'm curious now."

**I stared without breathing across the long room, into the dark eyes of the hunter, and he looked pleasantly back at me. **

"See?" Harry said. "The person's hunted!"

"Unless it's not a person... would it be a deer?"

"Lame, mate."

Ron smirked. "The hunter sounds like a Death Eater."

"A _vampire_ Death Eater, maybe?" Harry gave a wry smile and continued reading.

**Surely it was a good way to die, in the place of someone else, someone I loved. Noble, even. That ought to count for something. **

"I don't think the person's a deer," frowned Harry. "Deer aren't exactly what you call noble, aren't they?"

"Dunno... I'm not a deer."

**I knew that if I'd never gone to Forks, I wouldn't be facing death now. **

"So the person's about to die... He or she says it's because of Forks," Ron puzzled. "What is Forks?"

"It's a place, maybe."

"Nice blaming it on the poor, innocent place, isn't it?"

**But, terrified as I was, I couldn't bring myself to regret the decision. When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end. **

"Really? _I_ would grieve," said Ron.

"If I was with my parents again and Siri- Snuffles was unframed, _I_ would grieve when it came to an end," Harry agreed. "But I _do_ understand the narrator's opinion."

**The hunter smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered forward to kill me. **

"Sounds like Voldemort," Harry said in a low voice as he closed the book. "Let's read again tomorrow."

"Are you _mental_?"

"I want to see exactly _how_ sick _this_ Voldemort is."

"OK... Mate. Whatever."

Ron grabbed the book from him.

"_497 _pages left until we get the _whole_ story!"

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><p><strong>Now, here's a taste of Harry and Ron reading the preface. Next up, we have our three favourite Slytherin guys reading Chapter 1: Draco, Blaise, and Theodore. <strong>

**Please read and review!**


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